Becoming Virtuous

Growing up, we took a lot of road trips. A big family meant flying was too expensive. And because my parents grew up in the Midwest, that meant flying was unnecessary if it only took 22 hours to drive there. But still, did I love those road trips!

And every road trip, I would sit there with our massive United States atlas open on my lap the entire time. I would watch for highways that we passed and find them on the map. When I was older I would check our speed and calculate how many hours and minutes we had until our next stop. I was incredibly reluctant if any sibling asked to borrow said atlas, and would request it back as soon as it would appear they lost interest in it.

You see, I love (maybe more accurately; I need) to know exactly where I am, and where I’m going. And I feel massively uncomfortable when I don’t know.

And that’s something that has been difficult about this season I’m in. With all that has happened in my life the last couple of months, it’s been rather disorienting. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a time where I’ve felt more lost—unsure of where I am or where in the world I should be going. And frankly, it feels like I’ve been sidelined by God, and I don’t know how to proceed.

One of my pastors encouraged me to wait on God, which I think is very wise counsel. But I can’t help wrestling with what exactly does that mean; to wait on God? There are certainly a lot of verses in the Bible that encourage and command us to wait on God. But conversely, there are also a lot of verses (particularly in the Pauline epistles) that encourage and command us to have godly ambition and strive hard for God and the Gospel.

So which is it? Are they different modes that we employ at different times, depending on the season? Or are they somehow something that we pursue simultaneously in some kind of Holy Spirit empowered tension?

As I’ve pondered this, I’ve been reading books on waiting and asking mentors for insight into this conundrum. I’ve gotten some good answers. One mentor encouraged me to invest my time serving others. One gave me a few questions to ask myself: what do I have responsibility for right now, and how can I be faithful in that? And what do I not have control over and need to surrender to God? Another reiterated to be faithful with what God has in front of me right now, and if there isn’t much in front of me, to pray for a holy discontentment and for God to bring the next thing in front of me.

As I said, super sound advice. But I’m also realizing that all the good advice in the world can’t provide a shortcut out of the actual waiting. I still have to wade through it. And like Inigo Montoya famously said, “I hate waiting.”

It doesn’t help that our society largely has a bias for action, and so waiting feels like a massive waste of time, talent, and precious resources. So even when I’m trying to be faithful with this season (most definitely not perfectly), and I’ve tried submitting job applications and have served where I can, every time someone asks how things are going I can’t help but feel shame that I haven’t found a solution yet.

But in all this tension, I’m also learning that Betsy Childs Howard was absolutely right—waiting is a school room (Seasons of Waiting, pg. 3–6). The stillness and nothingness of waiting produce a pressure that brings out what is hiding under the surface. And it is revealing a lot about me. Like my struggle to give up the illusion of control over my life. Idols that I run to as coping mechanisms instead of running to God. And it’s revealing how I really, truly view God; and how I struggle to trust that He will actually work for my good.

And I think that last part is key. The last two months I’ve often been reminded of the subtitle and premise for Mike Donehey’s book, Finding God’s Life for My Will.

“God’s presence is the plan.”

I’ve been running and striving for so long to try to achieve the “good life” in my own strength and on my own terms, and it’s as if God has forcibly pulled me out of the fight and said, “Rest, beloved child, and spend time with me.”

That’s hard to do when you’re scared of God and what He might choose to do with you. But maybe that is a part of why God brought this all to pass. So He could strip away the lies that I’ve been believing about Him, and so I could begin to learn to expect great and good things from God.

I’m definitely still in process (though, aren’t we all?). But by God’s grace, I think the Holy Spirit is making some headway in my heart. I’ll hopefully write more on that later. In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. How do you view the tension between waiting on God and godly ambition? What is something you’ve learned during a season of waiting?