Becoming Virtuous

A blog sharing my thoughts on life and what God is teaching me

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  • A Tale of Redemption — Part 2: God’s Grace

    A Tale of Redemption — Part 2: God’s Grace

    (Read Part 1 here.)

    In the midst of all my questioning, God has been faithful.

    There have been several times in my life where I’ve felt like God has spoken to me through music. In recent years, it most often seems to happen with me waking up with a song stuck in my head (sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes in the morning). The morning after I found out that the trade school had closed, I woke up with the song “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real stuck in my head. I was practically sobbing as I listened to the song later that day.

    (more…)
  • A Tale of Redemption — Part 1: The Harrowing

    A Tale of Redemption — Part 1: The Harrowing

    This has been an interesting (and difficult) year on many levels. I’ll catch you up to speed (prepare for a whirlwind in long form).

    (more…)
  • Saying Goodbye…

    Saying Goodbye…

    Somehow I knew. Last night I didn’t want to go to sleep, and I wrote these words to describe the angst I just couldn’t shake, 

    “Staying up to watch the sun rise, because I don’t want to miss every last second of this world with you in it.”

    Grammy, words cannot describe how thankful I am for you. I never doubted that you cared deeply for me. You’d travel from another state to catch every ballet recital, graduation, and every single major life milestone. You took on babysitting three little kids for a week so Mom and Dad could take a vacation, and it somehow turned into a yearly tradition (and the origin of many of my favorite childhood memories). You wrote me letters, even though I was abysmal at writing you back. You lived out how to be a hard worker and keep going even when it felt like the world was against you. You graciously extended hospitality countless times to us noisy kids, and you never complained or were begrudging. You gave us the greatest gift, the gift of your presence. And I am so thankful.

    I love you so, so much, and I still can’t quite believe that you are gone. It doesn’t feel real, it can’t possibly be real. You lived a long life, but it still felt so sudden. You definitely leave behind a hole that will never quite be filled.

    I pray that I may follow in your footsteps in continually showing up for my family in the way that you continually showed up for me. And I pray that you knew at the end the great love God has for you, and how very much we all loved you as well.

  • Pushing Back the Darkness

    Pushing Back the Darkness

    Sitting here this evening, I’ve been weary under the weight of the heaviness of life. So much death and brokenness all around. The darkness seems so pressing, so close—and I’ve been crying out to God, wondering how do I move on from here? How can I possibly help push back the darkness?

    Then, a child being pushed in a scroller on the sidewalk 50 feet away from me called out, “Have a nice day!” And God knew that was just what I needed. *That’s* a small—but huge—way we push back the darkness. By having courage and being kind, even to complete strangers. Because you never know how a smile or a kind word will completely turn someone’s day around. I don’t need a platform to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I just need to be present for the people in front of me.

    🎶 I wish, I wish that I was told that
    Life doesn’t get easier as it goes
    But the older I get, the more and more I know
    Days get richer, and deeper
    And more and more beautiful

  • Reflecting on 2024

    Reflecting on 2024

    Another year has come to a close. It didn’t look anything like I expected, and it was one of the hardest in so many ways. Yet, God also proved His faithfulness time and again as He met me in the midst of the hard days. And I can say that I’m standing at the beginning of this year with more hope and peace than I think I ever have before. Because of God, I have so much to be thankful for.

    In the pics there is a snapshot of a few of the highlights from this year. And per the usual, if you want to read some of the lessons I learned last year, I’ll drop those here as well. ☺️

    • “Your failures serve as a beautiful reminder that you were in the arena trying.”
    • “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” Neil Strauss
    • “The single most powerful thing you can do in a relationship, whether it’s personal or professional, is to give someone 100% of your attention.” Brad Jacobs
    • Change doesn’t have to be your favorite for you to handle it alright ~ Rachel Kimzey
    • God will meet you in the learning curve. ~ Tracy Kimzey
    • David *knew* he was going to be king. But he was patient and waited on God’s perfect timing, even serving his predecessor faithfully despite Saul trying to kill him.
    • “When you start forming an identity that is based purely off of your critical eye toward everything, you’re missing something. …What are you building? The people who are building get less concerned about the critics, if they have a clear vision of what it is that they are supposed to be building and crafting.” ~ Nathan Rittenhouse
    • “You are made to die dissatisfied.” Joshua Luke Smith
    • “If it’s not good, God’s not done.” Sarah Shaw
    • “It takes courage to do the work of change rather than emotionally withdrawing or walking away.” – Untangling Emotions: Alasdair Groves and Winston Smith
    • “Oftentimes, our desire to rebel against authority speaks far less about their authority than it does about our own heart. Because most of the time, rules and authorities are out for your protection and good. Not all the time, but most of the time. And when we rebel it’s saying, ‘I want to be in control because I know best.’ And that’s arrogant, that’s sinful, and this text says it will lead to your harm. So, joyfully submit.” – Nate Hilgenkamp
    • The situation is important; but it is not determinative. – David Powlison
    • “Hope doesn’t ask, ‘Will this work?’ Hope asks, ‘Is this the right thing to do?’” – Cameron McAllister
    • In Ecclesiastes where it says it is good to find enjoyment in your work, that phrase literally means in Hebrew, “make his soul see good” in his toil.
    • God’s last work of creation was to sit back and enjoy what He had created. God also calls us to enjoy a job well done.
    • God in the parable praised both of the workers who grew their talents, it didn’t matter how much they produced. And He rewards/praises my work, despite its imperfections and flaws, and He uses it for His bigger purposes.
    • “Faith is long obedience in the same direction.” – Eugene Peterson
    • “Resilience is long hope in the same direction. Love is long commitment in the same direction.” Jonathan Brush
  • Reflecting on 2023

    Reflecting on 2023

    Another revolution around the sun complete. It was a year filled with highs and lows. But sitting here at the end of it, I am so thankful for God’s grace that carried me through, and for the awesome people I get to do life with.

    Now, per usual, some random life lessons from the year.

    • Where my greatest weaknesses are, and I feel most unlovable, that is where I can know and see that God puts an exclamation point on His love for me. He made me with the strengths and weaknesses I have, and He loves me in those.
    • Don’t be too quick to diagnose and treat problems. Patiently observe. Taking time to dig through the emotions and figure things out is okay and can help reveal root issues that might otherwise have been missed. Then slowly work to reshape the conversations in my head.
    • When overwhelmed, think through what is one small practical step I can take to make a little progress forward (raise by one).
    • There is general identity in Christ, where I am saved and a child of God. And there is also specific identity, where God has uniquely gifted me. I can live in His love for me by recognizing and walking in those unique giftings.
    • Does my self-talk line up with 1 Corinthians 13? Is it patient, is it kind?
    • Sanity is worth something.
    • Don’t take other people’s monkeys. Banish monkeys.
    • Call out and name the strengths I see in others. They probably don’t realize it’s something they’re uniquely gifted at.
    • Commitment -> Courage -> Capability -> Confidence
    • Negative soundtracks won’t just disappear. They need to be intentionally replaced with good soundtracks, and that replacement process will take time.
    • Times of heresy and error in the church have caused the true church to mine the depths of Scripture and come out with a fuller picture of Who God is.
    • God doesn’t give us trials so that we can have a minimal heat signal in the battle. He calls us to not shrink back (Hebrews) and instead press on (Philippians).
    • Stand up and speak for those who are being persecuted, protect those who can’t protect themselves, seek justice.
    • Make yourself do one new hard thing every day.
    • You need people around you who can help you know if you need to rest, or need to push through and not leave an opportunity on the table
    • You can walk alongside people as they grow, but you really can’t make people change
    • When going through suffering, likely won’t have capacity to reflect on and excavate it. In those moments, focus on Lam. 3:22–23.
    • Hardening your heart and cutting yourself off in one relationship causes a ripple effect in all other relationships; with God, family, friends. Instead, need to be open 
    • Hebrews 11:6, if I want to draw near to God, I need to believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who seek Him
    • In the wilderness seasons, preach truth to myself, and hold onto the belief that seeking God’s presence is worth it
    • I need to see my intense need for Jesus, and cry out to Him
    • You can either grow here, grow somewhere else, or maintain the status quo, and only one of those sounds like a bad option
    • Bad news doesn’t get better with time. Face it, grow, and move on.
    • Don’t follow the lights. (LotR reference.) Wallowing in self pity is a nasty place to live. But the thing is, you can choose your thoughts, and that’s a powerful antidote.
    • It’s never too late to get back on track. All it takes is the mindset and the willingness and grit to do what needs to be done.
    • “There are two pains in life. The pain of discipline and the pain of regret. You choose which one.” – Josiah (power lifter)
    • “If everyone in your life agrees with you 100% of the time, you’re actually not in relationship with anyone but yourself. And you’ve created an atmosphere where people know it’s not safe to say what they really think.” – Mike Donehey
    • Hold on to my opinions loosely.
    • Be quick to resolve conflict and discuss potential misunderstandings
  • An Environment of Grace is…

    An Environment of Grace is…

    …people who keep reminding you that you are seen, loved, and wanted;

    …who listen to your funny stories, your confusions, your hopes, your hurts, and everything in between, sometimes for hours, yet entering fully into each one because they care deeply about you;

    …they encourage you when you’re weak, exhort you when you are off track, push you outside your comfort zone so you grow, but also know how to have fun and laugh often;

    …and, most poignantly for me right now, they’ll stay up past midnight (after running an event where none of us got much sleep) to help you fix your car; running to the store multiple times, pushing through frustrating circumstances and not stopping until the car is fixed (despite an insanely early wake up call coming the next day), and doing it all with cheerful kindness (and lots of jokes and laughter). And then giving up a bed so I don’t have to drive home in my newly fixed car in the middle of the night.

    These are my coworkers. But more than that, they are my friends. And I’m so thankful to God for each of them.

  • Reflecting on 2022

    Reflecting on 2022

    Yesterday, I finally had a chance to finish my end of year review for 2022. Writing down all the highlights from the year, good and bad. And it had an unexpected outcome.

    Truth be told, I had been feeling kind of discouraged about last year—seeing all the ways I failed and wasn’t faithful, and wondering if I had grown at all, or ended the year worse off than I started.

    But as I wrote down the highlights from ‘22, I was overwhelmed by God’s goodness. By the many doors He opened for me to use the gifts He’s given me in ministry, for new and renewed iron-sharpening-iron relationships that have led to personal and spiritual growth, for mended relationships that had been in tatters for years, for how He was helping me live a life more surrendered to Him.

    So it turns out 2022 was a good year, and I did grow and change for the better. And all the glory for that belongs to God.

    “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.” Psalm‬ ‭9‬:‭1‬ ‭ESV

  • What if?

    What if?

    What if, in our daily conversations, we spent more time talking about how we see God working around us, and less time on what evil men are doing?

    What if we spent more time highlighting light instead of darkness?

    Or what if we at least settled for a 50/50 split?

    I’m realizing that the Psalms are an excellent picture of doing both. David was very honest with God about his trials, but he also intentionally sought to see how God was working in the midst of them and praise Him through them.

    How often do we get stuck on the complaining, and never make it to the praising?

  • Lessons from Apex 2022

    Lessons from Apex 2022

    Truth be told, some touch raw spots in my soul and I would prefer not to grapple with them. Trying to remember growth only happens on the other side of comfort. Here’s the distilled version, in case they encourage others:

    • Community is about pitching in and helping cover for each other’s weaknesses
    • We all get in a mess of trouble that we can’t get out of on our own. We need others to help us.
    • Forgiveness is a choice. You can’t heal and move on until you forgive.
    • It’s the days of struggle and adversity that shape who we are
    • The greatest story ever is the Gospel, and it changes lives
    • God has everything happen for a reason. Some of the most painful stories have the most power.
    • Don’t be afraid to share your story
    • This life is not about us. Jesus is the author and the main character.
    • God called and Moses responded. Have I averted my attention? Have I responded in awe?
    • I will get messed up if I try to find identity in the wrong place. My identity should be solely based on my relationship with Jesus.
    • I can understand my God given abilities/gifts, but be afraid to mess things up and not use them. I need to take ownership of how God gifted me and walk in that gifting for His glory.
    • I need to understand and walk in the season before me
    • I need to exchange excuses for God’s assurances. Moses made excuses, and every time, God answered with Himself.
    • Sometimes I have to work at my calling, it may not come easy.
    • To be powered up to endure I must be filled with the Holy Spirit, live in community, spend time with God, and realize my story is not for me — it’s for God’s glory and the blessing of others.
    • The greatest success in life is being surrendered to God
    • Belief shapes our values. And our foundational beliefs inform all others.
    • Don’t fake it until you make it. Live it until you believe it.
    • When I rebel in one area of my life, it often leads to a snowball effect of destruction on all areas of my life.
    • Sometimes God calls us to not work in our gifts to teach us something
    • Begin with the end in mind, but don’t let the destination delay the journey
    • Sharing my faith is about showing up and loving others
    • Every problem contains a seed of opportunity
    • “Determinedly demolish some things; determinedly discipline others.”
    • Don’t give God a false dichotomy of options. Let Him lead.
    • Decisions help us start, discipline compels us to finish
    • My hard story is God’s redemption story. There can’t be redemption without imperfection.
    • Redemption comes through connection to God and others
    • Do I trust God to hold the pen of my story? Will I trust God that He will redeem my story? Will I let God work through my hard story to share His greater story?
    • Lives are shaped by relationships, which are shaped by conversations
    • Give people the benefit of the doubt. Believe the best.
    • Don’t assume someone else’s story
    • Be willing to have God speak into the excuses that keep me from doing something that makes me rely on God
    • God meets us in all the broken places and redeems the good and the bad
    • If I don’t move into the next chapter ready to make the most of every opportunity, I have an enemy who’s ready to make sure I make the least
    • Don’t miss now. There is ministry all around.
    • The purpose of my life is pointing to the most important story. Do this by pursing Jesus, spiritually investing in others, and living a life of compassion for the lost.